London Underground Rules

London Underground Rules

As we approach our final journey on the terrible/amazing London Underground, we share a primer for the uninitiated…

Ah, so you've arrived in the City of London, land of tea, crumpets and people who apologize often. The land of Notting Hill and Love, Actually and awkward gentlemen who blush when complimented. The city of Yeoman Warders and the Queen’s Guard and quirky social rituals that are so charmingly English.

What you don't know is that we English people turn into demons on the subway. As we descend underground, decency has faded, replaced by a single-minded desire to get where we want to go, and quickly.

The London Underground is a minefield, and yet unsuspecting visitors are let loose every day for no reason. Ideally, TfL would hand out a set of rules with every Oystercard and provide tick cards for use with rule breakers. Instead of passive-aggressively sighing or rustling the newspaper, we could simply circle the relevant rule and hand the offender the card. Instead of a TfL guide to civilization, we've put together our own London Underground rules to help future travelers and locals alike.

Entering the train station

Find your Oystercard before you reach the gates. If you stop and rummage through your bag, people will want to do violence to you.

Touch the reader with your Oystercard once the other person has been beeped green. Don't wait for the barriers to close behind you. If the 3 million passengers who pass through the system every day did this, the city would grind to a halt.

Once you have received a green beep, remove your Oystercard from the reader. You don't have to dislocate your shoulder by leaving the card on the reader until you've safely passed the barriers. It may feel like a temple of doom, but it's just the tube, not an Indiana Jones movie :)

If your card beeps red, don't try again and again. Take a step back to reset the sensor and then try again. If it fails on the second attempt, try a different reader. If this doesn't work, seek help as recommended.

On escalators, stand on the right and walk on the left. This is the holy grail of rules and should only be broken at your own risk.

Boarding the train

Wait for people to get off before getting on. Simply.

If someone who is already on the train gets off temporarily to let people off, they will have priority when reboarding. Don't push in front of them.

Do not get on the train and then stop immediately. There are people behind you, so keep moving – yes, even if your stop is next.

Don't keep the doors open. Don't be the selfish idiot who holds everyone back.

If you find yourself in one of those golden, rare moments where there are lots of empty seats, don't sit next to someone when seats are available with empty seats on either side.

If someone is old, pregnant or disabled, they get the seat - not you.

Traveling by train

Please keep your elbows and knees within the confines of your own seat.

Don't read someone else's newspaper. Seriously, that's like stealing a firstborn child.

Don't make eye contact or talk to anyone unless it's after 9 p.m. and one of you is drunk.

If you're having trouble telling whether your music is loud, try placing your headphones against your knees to see if you can hear your music. If so, IT IS TOO LOUD.

The "above ground" parts of the subway are not there for your convenience, so don't use them just to make a quick call. The passengers are not interested in the details of each other's lives.

Do you see the bars in the middle of the carriage? They are there for passengers to hold on to, so don't lean on them with your sweaty back.

If you have a large backpack with you on a crowded train, take it off and put it between your legs.

If we can hear you kissing the new girl you met at this thing, you're kissing too loudly. In fact, if you can hear your kisses, you're kissing too loudly. You know what? It's just easier if you don't. At least not before lunch.

Speaking of lunch, please don't eat anything hot or smelly on the subway. A sneaky candy bar or sandwich is acceptable. It's not a burger.

No care. Je. Don't do it. This includes plucking eyebrows, filing nails, cutting nails, painting nails. In fact, do anything with your nails.

Leave

Take your trash with you. Yes, we know there are no rubbish bins on the tube (the IRA had a nasty habit of leaving unwanted gifts in them), but please take your rubbish with you. You can leave your newspaper on the train, but everything else has to go with you.

Don't dawdle. People are waiting to get off the train, so get off quickly and keep moving. Don't check your phone or read your Kindle or do anything else that might slow you to an unconscious crawl.

If you're walking next to someone who's walking at the same pace as you, walk behind them instead of next to them so other people can pass you.

Don't pause at the top of the escalators to figure out where you need to go. People are coming behind you and the only place they can go is right at your back.

We know it's adorable when your child wants to act like an adult and touch the Oyster card on the reader themselves, or press the call button they can't quite reach, or go down the stairs that are too tall for them - but that's a surefire way to upset fellow travelers who just want to get through as quickly as possible. Don't stop them.

And finally, if, like a certain former army captain, you see a beautiful girl on the train, don't expect to write a song about her and not become a national hate figure.

Safe travels!

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